Meh...again...

I knew I'd written a post not long ago about depression and I just looked it up, it was back in November.  Now that I'm thinking about it, November is getting close to a year ago...  But, the reason I looked up the depression post is because I was trying to figure out if I'd been getting depressed a lot lately (apparently over the last year...).  I know I have been in the last month or so and I'm not sure why it's happening now...

Here's what I know, I'm not happy:

• at my job
• with where I live
• with life choices I've made
• with the career path I'm attempting to carve out for myself in school (maybe, I'm not sure about this yet)
• that I'm in my late 30s and in school

And, let's be real here, sometimes I'm not happy in my marriage or with my kids or my cat...  I'm sure the list of things I'm not happy with goes on, but I can't think of anything else at the moment.

The "I'm not happy" list isn't something new so I can't see how it's contributing to my depression-of-late. Maybe it's finally all hitting home at once and it's all been carried around and built up for so long that I'm finally starting to break under it's weight.

On Eagles Wings

Today, I was asked by a coworker to write out some passages from Psalm 91 as a gift to a patient she has on her unit.  He's scheduled to be discharged and he's scared to go home because he's afraid he'll fall again.  She asked me to do the writing because she said that she knows I'm (and I quote) "an artist".  Apparently if you write "Welcome" and "Goodbye" on patient cups (as well as doodle occasionally on them for certain holidays) word gets out that you're "an artist".  LOL!  But I digress...

Using her bible as a guide, I wrote out some passages about the protection that God provides to those in need.  As I was reading the Psalm I realized that it's the one that "On Eagles Wings" (a song we sang in church occasionally - when I attended Catholic church) is based.

After I finished, and she was happy with the results, I looked up the lyrics to "On Eagles Wings", just to be sure I was right about it being the song based on what I was reading/copying from the bible.  It was, and reading the lyrics again, after all these years brought back the pain of losing my friend 12 years ago, at the age of 26.  We sang the song at the end of his funeral as the casket was taken from the church.  I can still recall it as if I were standing in the church now - and it makes me cry.  I guess I still miss my friend...

Until further notice...

Blog updates will not be happening at a regular interval (not that they ever did) because I am totally overwhelmed by school work, among other things.  I barely have time to breathe, let alone try to remember to find time to hammer out a few sentences on the 3 blogs I write... (I know, why not stop writing 3 and only do one?  But I don't wanna... the others have a lot of content already and I don't want them all combined into one blog, it'd be too confusing, and HEY! I don't have to justify anything to you [whoever you are out there reading this, don't you have anything better to do with your time?] anyway!  LOL!).  OK, I've wasted enough time not doing my homework and working on the huge project I have to have done for my class, time to get it in gear (or risk failure - that would be BAD!).

Snow, snow, go away!

Other than the insane cold and snowy winter we've been having, nothing of great interest has been happening around the ol' homestead.  School's been cancelled several times due to the cold (kids can't be standing around waiting for the bus in -30 windchill temps!), the snow's been piling up (seriously, the plowed mounds are nearly taller than I am!), and I've been avoiding going outside as much as possible!  I'm soooo over this winter!  It's been ridiculous...on MANY levels!  Spring needs to show up, STAT!

I wish I had more to report, but beyond all the snow we've been getting there isn't anything else...  Stupid winter!!

Happy New Year!

Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014!

I've decided that I'm not making resolutions any more, EVER!  I've come to realize that they never come to fruition - sure I start off with the best of intentions and I stick with things for a little bit, but they never become habits that last.  That being said, I have so many ideas to try, wants to do, needs to do, etc swirling around in my head that I'm beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed by it all.  There's so much I want/need to get done and want/need to try this year!  I know every project is started by taking one step at a time but which one to start first?  Where to start?  AHHH!  Perhaps a list, in no particular order, is called for... It may help me to start getting things done if I make a list, right?   Ok, the list then:

• Finish putting the photos (yes, actual photographs), into the multitude of albums I have collected - at least they're all in chronological order already (can I count that part as one thing completed?)
• Catch up on my Wonders In Wax blog
• Blog more
• Exercise
• Lose weight (lots of it)
• Actually use the apps on my phone in the "Health" folder that are for keeping track of my exercising and eating habits
• Keep my desk/bedroom/home organized (I couldn't even type that out without my brain adding "ha ha" at the end of the sentence)
• Read more of the multitude of books/magazines I've collected

There's more, I'm sure of it but I can't think of any more right now.  So let's see how this goes...

Meh...

I woke up yesterday afternoon feeling pretty grumpy/sad/depressed/etc.  I had a hard time shaking the mood too.  Perhaps it was because I woke up in a little bit of pain in my lower belly or perhaps I had a crummy dream that I can't recall now or maybe it was the weather, I donno.  I do know that I spent the better part of the evening, before having to leave for work, wishing the feeling would leave and not come back.

I began to ponder whether people who've been clinically diagnosed as depressed ever get over it or get past it.  Which then made me wonder if I've just been living with the depression I was diagnosed with so many years ago.

I know that as time passes my body and its chemistry changes so I won't/don't/can't feel the ways I did when I was younger still, I can't help but recall how it felt to be depressed when I was a teenager.  I compare that to how I feel today and I know it's not the same but that's not to say that I'm not still depressed but feeling it differently because I'm older now.  It begs the question, have I been depressed for so long that I've become accustomed to the feeling and can't tell "normal" feeling from depression unless the depression deepens tremendously?  Does that even make sense?

She'll Be Comin' Round The Mountain

Aside from some nasty coughing fits, I'm finally beginning to feel human again.  :)  I spent the weekend working a craft show with my mom and both days she'd put her hand on my forehead and tell me I had a fever and should go home and rest.  I kept telling her that her hands were cold and she needed to compare my forehead to someone else's because, although I felt tired a lot of the time, I was pretty much fine.  I did stick it out and was fine (I think the tiredness can be attributed to being bored more than anything else - it wasn't an overwhelmingly busy show).  

The crowning moment of the weekend was when I went out to get my car so we could load up after the show ended and I found that I had a VERY flat front passenger tire!  Fortunately, I have roadside assistance and they came out (fairly quickly) and changed my tire to the spare AND added air to it, all at no cost to me!  It's a good thing I had coverage through my insurance because there wasn't a jack in the car at all!  I wonder where it went...

I returned to work Sunday night, after a week off, thanks to that bug I picked up.  Each night at work has been getting better and I've been having more energy, definitely a plus.  I'm even coughing less each night.  YAY!!

Now to finish my Halloween costume, finish the child's costume and move on in to November...